Knowing Your Attachment Style Will Not Save Your Relationship

By Yolande Clark-Jackson

Maya Angelou said, “Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” But sometimes it's a struggle to stay hopeful in a relationship when you don’t always feel the love and doubt the strength of the bond. You can’t overcome barriers with your spouse or romantic partner if you can’t see eye-to-eye on how to connect and show intimacy. Sometimes incompatible attachment styles get in the way of feeling loved, safe, and supported. 

In the 1950’s psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby, concluded there were four main attachment styles in relationships that were shaped in childhood.  Attachment theory places individuals in one of four categories: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant (aka disorganized). Three of the four types fall under the heading of “insecure attachment” creating two teams: secure and insecure, with not much in between. It is important to note that there can be more than four attachment styles.  A quick search on Google will lead you to attachment style charts for you to find a box you fit in. But what if you or your partner doesn't fit neatly inside any of the boxes? What can you do to reach the same destination together when you have different perspectives on how to get there? 

Attachment styles in relationships

Although research supports the impact of childhood on relational health, traumatic relationships held in adulthood can also shift attachment styles. They may also blend between two or more categories.  Nathaniel Turner, MFT; LAMFT, is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapists at Ibisanmi Relational Health, he says attachment styles come down to “learned or unlearned patterns of belief about relationships.” He adds, “It presents a silent script which informs thoughts and feelings of intimacy and safety.” He also noted that when it comes to relationships, the lines are not often firm and fixed and the path forward “isn’t always linear.”

Turner says the good news is with support and a willingness to change, individuals can alter their patterns and live outside the box in a new category: “Earned Secure Attachment.”

How to Navigate around different attachment or relational styles

We all come to relationships with our own limitations and experiences that impact our perspectives.  Being sensitive to these differences can help. Turner also says having

awareness of your own patterns is a good start. The next step is building a sense of curiosity so you can begin to make progress toward transforming your relationship.

How to earn a secure attachment style:

Rewrite the script

• Just as your old patterns may have been a result of following a “silent script” you can consciously create a new script to form new patterns. 

Avoid labeling 

• Even though having the language to discuss how you relate to others can be helpful, labeling can also lead to limiting potential. Try to avoid reinforcing negative labels that don’t serve you or your partner. 

Increase awareness 

• Become better aware of your actions and reactions that may be contributing to the disconnect in your relationship

Become curious

• Sometimes it’s about asking the right questions. And when it comes to asking how to change a situation, it often comes down to you. Here are a few questions Turner recommends you ask yourself: 
  

How can I correctly navigate boundaries, improve my own conflict resolution strategies, or become better attuned to the needs of myself and/or others? 

How can I find opportunities to strengthen my ability to feel safe?

When to seek help

Turner recommends couples seek opportunities to communicate and resolve conflicts as they arise but believes there are clear signs when bringing in a trained professional may be essential in bridging the gap.

Here are 3 top reasons for couples to reach out to licensed therapist:

1. When your attempts at resolving conflict leave you feeling unsafe emotionally or physically.

2. When you’re having a repetitive argument around the same topic without a plan or commitment toward change.

3. When you reach a point of withdrawal and move on without addressing the attachment rupture.

If you think you would benefit from the help and support of a professional, reach out to a Ibisanmi Relational Health Therapist. IRH therapists are trained and skilled professionals who provide a holistic approach to marriage and relationship counseling.

You can be sure you’ll receive culturally affirming guidance suited for your unique situation. If you’re ready to move forward toward finding more joy in your life or in your relationship, book a 15-minute consultation here.

And, be sure to follow on IG at @ibisanmi.relational for mental health check ins and inspirational posts.