Are You Creating Boundaries or Building Walls?
By Yolande Clark-Jackson
Have you ever felt like the people in your life don’t respect your personal boundaries?
If your answer is yes, you are not alone.
According to a survey conducted by the American Psychological Association about 60% of people say they struggle with creating and maintaining “healthy boundaries” in their relationships. Whether it be family, friends or romantic partners, you see or read about people abandoning relationships left and right for one too many conversations about the same issues.
One person posted this on reddit: ”I have created boundaries with my mom, but she chooses not to respect them - I don’t say that to be dramatic, she truly just doesn’t see the bigger picture. So instead of flipping out this time, I decided I needed to go no contact.
But what does it mean to set a boundary? What is the bigger picture? Is there a way to feel more respected in your relationships without cutting people off?
Immediate benefits of cutting people off, out and going no contact
You don’t have to deal with how that person made you feel
You don’t have to have any more uncomfortable conversations
You don’t have to feel like you’re working too hard when the other person seems not to care
You feel like you stuck up for yourself
You feel free
The difference between having boundaries and having emotional resilience
The first step is understanding that creating a boundary and building a wall are two different things.
“As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I often help clients explore the difference
between setting adaptive boundaries and creating emotional walls that disconnect them
from others,” says Christiana Awosan in New York.
Awosan explains that a common challenge her clients face is understanding that when they make an “emotional cutt-off” from a friend or family member in attempt to reinforce their boundaries, they often end up disconnecting themselves from more and more people. They get better at building emotional walls than bridges of communication and often miss out on the opportunity for a reset and repair.
Because the truth is, there are lots of people that are going to upset you, cross your emotional boundaries, break your trust, say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Experiencing emotional discomfort is unavoidable. We each have the potential to disappoint but we also have the potential to be better and do better.
Some potential drawbacks to going “no contact”
In some cases, moving away from a relationship works for both parties, but Awosan notes that while cutting off or going no contact with someone may feel like a form of self-protection, emotional cutoffs can often lead to other problems.
When we cut people off, there are potential drawbacks:
Feelings of isolation
Unresolved pain
Weakened emotional resilence
Loss of the possibility for transformation
Difficulty maintaining meaningful connections
Questions to ask before cutting people off who cross your boundaries:
Before cutting people off when you’re upset, Awosan says it is important to ask yourself these questions:
Am I avoiding something that feels vulnerable?
What do I need in order to feel safe and open to dialogue?
Is there a way to stay in connection without abandoning myself?
What do I need from myself to stay engaged in this conversation?
What part of me is hurt by what they are saying right now and why?
So how do we build emotional resilience and create adaptive boundaries rooted in compassion to strengthen bonds that have been tested and stretched beyond our comfort?
Creating adaptive boundaries
One way to avoid seeing someone as disregarding your boundaries is to see boundary setting as adaptive, collaborative, ever changing and in constant need of care. It also means learning to communicate in new ways.
“Adaptive boundary setting is relational, while maladaptive boundary setting is solitary,” says Awosan.
A relational boundary says: “I care about myself and you. Here’s what I need to
feel safe and connected in this relationship.”
An emotional cutoff says: “I don’t like how you made me feel, so I’m done with
you.”
“Cutoffs can feel like strength in the moment—especially when we’re hurt, angry, or feel
morally justified in our reaction. But they create what I describe as relational border
walls: rigid, immovable structures that keep others out, but also lock us inside. They
block empathy, curiosity, and the possibility of mutual understanding,” says Awosan.
Several research studies have proven that we heal and grow through connection, not disconnection. “Our nervous system finds safety through co-regulation—not isolation,” she adds.
Setting Healthy BoundarieS
If you struggle with setting healthy boundaries and want to create an adaptive framework for your relationships, it may take practice and patience to strike the right balance, especially if you have never seen this modeled in your own home. But building bridges is often better than burning them, and you may find some relationships are worth holding on to.
If you need support from a professional, the licensed and dynamic IRH Team is here to support you. We provide culturally affirming therapy to support individuals, families and couples navigating complex situations and circumstances. We work to support individuals, couples, & families at two locations in NYC & Maplewood, NJ.
Book a free 15-minute consultation here.
And, be sure to follow IG at @ibisanmi.relational for mental health check ins, tips, and inspirational posts.
Dr. Christiana Ibilola Awosan is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relational approaches to healing trauma, anxiety and improving family dynamics. Through her practice at Ibisanmi Relational Health, she helps clients navigate the complex, non-linear journey of personal growth and healing.
